Weeks before the Maha Shivratri day, the Chinmaya Mission sent out a flyer with the day's Program. It was scheduled for a 6:00 am start. This year, I intended to attend all the pujas, never mind my embarrassment with not knowing the mantras and rituals which even some of the children seem to slide into effortlessly!
My internal body clock must have made a note of my resolution, because come Maha Shivratri day, I was up at 4:00 am feeling refreshed. It was the golden hour and the Temple called. Old habits and inhibitions die hard and instead I sat and journaled, not listening to my small voice which I felt growing fainter with disappointment.
Finally the urge became too strong to resist, and I left late morning, thinking I will arrive before the activities conclude for the morning session and make my small donation. Besides, I wanted to take the loquats from our tree which I did along with some apples. It will also be an opportunity to partake of the Mahaprasad, the divine feast.
I arrived to the sacred fire leaping and dancing to the holy chanting by the priests. It is just wonderful to be present for the pujas whether or not one participates. Handing over my small offerings to the amazingly dedicated volunteers, I sat down at the edge of the outermost circle of people, and made a brief but polite interaction with the woman next to me.
Soon enough, the puja concluded and we all performed the Parikrama and then went for the Aarati in the main hall, where an announcement was made about a special Linga reveal at midnight. It sounded magical, and stirred a deep longing in me to attend. After the Mahaprasad, and a quick stop to pick up some books I returned home.
The second part of the celebrations were to begin at 3:00 pm and last into the night. Several of the devotees were fasting and special meals were provided for them. Some women had brought a change of clothes so they could take rest in the afternoon, in the temple itself. The devoted are a class apart, and I am in so much awe of them, having personally never had a regular religious routine after my late twenties, which I wish wasn't the case. When you return to religion as an older adult, especially after straying due to disillusionment, it is not easy because somewhere the thread of continuity is broken and one's sense of self feels inadequate, and doubts return.
With the best of intentions of going back to the temple, something in me hesitated and kept me home. By early evening I decided to sit for a quick meditation. It was an unbelievable meditative experience, even though there was no special effort on my part. The fragrance was so strong that I was reluctant to open my eyes, fully knowing that if I do, it would go away. Between my blissfully closed eyes, a contented smile and inner sense of peaceful joy, I tried to guess what it was, continuously thinking lotus, and consciously sniffing while taking in deep breaths trying to capture this out of the world sensory pleasure inside me. Just the thought of that meditation transports me to the possibilities. It was so special and so powerful, it is indescribable.
I cannot explain in words my feelings afterwards either. Except, what did I do? I kept pushing back the time when I would leave to go for the midnight Darshan. At 7:30 pm I looked at the time, then again at 9:00 pm and frequently after that. When I went to bed around 11:40, I knew I was going to regret my not having gone back for the midnight hour reveal. I do, very much so. There are no reasons, no excuses, and no answer as to what restrained me. It was not tardiness. Probably a lack of wisdom? Perhaps my only saving grace is that I acknowledge I should have acted upon my deep urge and gone for the midnight Darshan.
Maybe I'm not quite there yet with the temple going, but that's a huge punishment I inflict upon myself. It is a place for spiritual cleansing, and of spiritual empowerment. It was the Energy of the Collective, the Puja and their participation which came back with me as a gift of that sublime meditation.
Veenu Banga
March 08, 2019.
My internal body clock must have made a note of my resolution, because come Maha Shivratri day, I was up at 4:00 am feeling refreshed. It was the golden hour and the Temple called. Old habits and inhibitions die hard and instead I sat and journaled, not listening to my small voice which I felt growing fainter with disappointment.
Finally the urge became too strong to resist, and I left late morning, thinking I will arrive before the activities conclude for the morning session and make my small donation. Besides, I wanted to take the loquats from our tree which I did along with some apples. It will also be an opportunity to partake of the Mahaprasad, the divine feast.
I arrived to the sacred fire leaping and dancing to the holy chanting by the priests. It is just wonderful to be present for the pujas whether or not one participates. Handing over my small offerings to the amazingly dedicated volunteers, I sat down at the edge of the outermost circle of people, and made a brief but polite interaction with the woman next to me.
Soon enough, the puja concluded and we all performed the Parikrama and then went for the Aarati in the main hall, where an announcement was made about a special Linga reveal at midnight. It sounded magical, and stirred a deep longing in me to attend. After the Mahaprasad, and a quick stop to pick up some books I returned home.
The second part of the celebrations were to begin at 3:00 pm and last into the night. Several of the devotees were fasting and special meals were provided for them. Some women had brought a change of clothes so they could take rest in the afternoon, in the temple itself. The devoted are a class apart, and I am in so much awe of them, having personally never had a regular religious routine after my late twenties, which I wish wasn't the case. When you return to religion as an older adult, especially after straying due to disillusionment, it is not easy because somewhere the thread of continuity is broken and one's sense of self feels inadequate, and doubts return.
With the best of intentions of going back to the temple, something in me hesitated and kept me home. By early evening I decided to sit for a quick meditation. It was an unbelievable meditative experience, even though there was no special effort on my part. The fragrance was so strong that I was reluctant to open my eyes, fully knowing that if I do, it would go away. Between my blissfully closed eyes, a contented smile and inner sense of peaceful joy, I tried to guess what it was, continuously thinking lotus, and consciously sniffing while taking in deep breaths trying to capture this out of the world sensory pleasure inside me. Just the thought of that meditation transports me to the possibilities. It was so special and so powerful, it is indescribable.
I cannot explain in words my feelings afterwards either. Except, what did I do? I kept pushing back the time when I would leave to go for the midnight Darshan. At 7:30 pm I looked at the time, then again at 9:00 pm and frequently after that. When I went to bed around 11:40, I knew I was going to regret my not having gone back for the midnight hour reveal. I do, very much so. There are no reasons, no excuses, and no answer as to what restrained me. It was not tardiness. Probably a lack of wisdom? Perhaps my only saving grace is that I acknowledge I should have acted upon my deep urge and gone for the midnight Darshan.
Maybe I'm not quite there yet with the temple going, but that's a huge punishment I inflict upon myself. It is a place for spiritual cleansing, and of spiritual empowerment. It was the Energy of the Collective, the Puja and their participation which came back with me as a gift of that sublime meditation.
Veenu Banga
March 08, 2019.
No comments:
Post a Comment