Light and darkness both come to go away. On this day, BA and JM, the birthday of one and the death anniversary of the other. They were my soft spot to land. They were my days to celebrate, and they were the joys without fail. They were the summer that was never late. In a life of harsh winters, they were my escape.
I had my first official nervous breakdown at age 20. The perpetrator took pride in orchestrating this, my plight, as a fair trade for alleviating pain that otherwise may have befallen him. He boasted, in fact, about his skill in averting, what may have been disastrous for 'his' people, even though his allegiance should have been to his child. No matter. Having been conditioned early to endure the perpetrator's injustice, I somehow rode it out.
I knew I had others who loved me beyond measure, and they were enough, and then some. So, despite the horrors of oppression and false insinuations against a child by a group of adults, I must have instinctively known there was more to life. Life as I experienced it, filled with loving and caring, even adulation, I may add, whenever I was in the presence of this other side of my family, which included BA and JM.
This day is the birthday of my BA, and it is the death anniversary of my JM. They were both brother and sister, devoted to each other and the family. They had both made tremendous personal sacrifices and did do cheerfully, out of a sense of responsibility, and with great clarity of purpose. They lived honorably, were successful, and were highly venerated by those they encountered in their professional and personal lives. They had no enemies. Everyone who knew them had a good word for them. Today, as I think of them with loving memories brimming in my heart, I am beyond thankful to have had them both in my life. They held me in my lowest hours, so much so that I did not feel the pinch of what I was going through. If anything, I should have done more for them. The best of me is what would have been their best reward. They deserved that as it would have been born of their nurturing. Unfortunately, that was not to be, in the circumstances I was placed in.
We all have the winters of our lives, some more so than others. We wouldn't know how good or bad we've had it because it's all relative. Overall, I would say my winters have all been bearable. I'm grateful for that, for the warmth, both physical and emotional, that was accorded to me despite and by the circumstances the good lord placed me in. So on this winter's day, in looking back, to loss and to gain, to the joys and the sorrows, overall, I still have so much to be thankful for.
Today, I'm also thankful for the deliciously crisp and sweet green grapes I've been munching on.
I'm grateful for the print magazines loved ones have saved for me, so I can read them when I visit, as they know my fondness for the printed word—the printed word, which is in my blood. But more on that another time.
I'm grateful to be in touch with my childhood friends, who knew me then for what my circumstances were and who I was and know me now, and love me still. I'm comfortable with them too, more so now, as some of the trauma of my childhood has eroded.
I'm grateful to have overcome the shame that was not mine but projected on me to deflect it away from those who pointed fingers in my direction. Today I know better, but it's been a long time coming. I'm tempted to say that I regret this realization did not come sooner, so those who loved me and are no more could have seen me restored, at least somewhat. However, we reconcile with what we cannot fight, and I will say it was not my time, and perhaps those who wronged me knew no better.
There are no good or bad people; we are all just people. We're all victims of the human condition. Some say the 'time' is bad. Here I beg to disagree, for whatever time we have is all good if we have it. If we have time, we have life. As long as there is life, there is hope, and where there is hope, there is possibility. With possibility, anything is possible. That is a lot to be grateful for!
Veenu Banga
December 7th, 2021
10: 22 pm.
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