Trying to stay the course

 When years and years of destructive behavior completely throws you off balance, it is not easy to stand back up on one's own. Except, that's the only way to do it. 

Another day, and my lack of self-discipline with timekeeping, only aggravates the issue. At some point, our failure to stand up for ourselves in a timely manner tips the balance towards self-sabotage. All this crap about going with the flow, trying to keep the peace, or being stoic is just that- Crap with a capital C. 

All this crap robs you of your resources of self-preservation and self-care ability. And that is the first step backward. In that first step, you can either stumble and get back up, or you can stumble and roll backward, which speeds up the process of getting undone. 

You allow yourself to be bullied, which becomes controlling behavior and easily slides into abuse. At some point, that hurts, but habit integrates it into one's life, and habits die hard. Then the only way to rebound is by hitting rock bottom and bouncing off that rock. Where you may land is another story. And who you follow or don't follow- will direct the outcome. 

So, when one's balance is lost, standing back up alone will have to be slow steps, not without hand-holding. Except the best help is at the end of one's arm. 

The simplest and easiest road back up is to stop in your tracks. Then, see where you are in your life. Realize that you've not listened to your small voice all the time. When you are convinced that you're mistaken, that you must be the problem, consider the possibility that you were not to blame. Then, tell yourself that you'll give yourself a chance. And do it, give yourself a chance, and do one thing for yourself, which gives you joy. 

When the wise tell us to live in the present moment, they know what they are talking about. It's up to us to learn from others' mistakes and wisdom or waste more of our life making our own mistakes to learn from them. 

Life spins by faster and faster as time goes on, and while youth tarries, late adulthood is not so patient and moves quickly. The goal should be to make self-care a habit, make what gives you joy a practice, and above all, learn to say No, and mean it. It's about how much life we can put into our remaining years. Going forwards, that is in our own hands if we can use the crutch of what gives us joy. It can help us discover and embrace our passion. 

Veenu Banga

September 7th, 2002.

2:09 am